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As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.

• The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.